Beyond the Smile: Choosing Vulnerability
- Michele Spahr
- May 29
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 3
“We can’t take another person’s suffering away. But you can become an environment in which other people can come up for air.” - Ram Dass
Two recent events convinced me to start keeping this very public journal.
The first came a few months ago when Multiple Sclerosis ambushed me—spectacularly and in full view. Until that relapse I’d convinced myself I could shoulder anything: post the inspirational photo, flash the resilient smile, reassure everyone (including me) that I was “fine.” Reality, it turns out, bites harder than any comment section.
The truth is I’m not always brave, I’m not always smiling, and some days the weight of this disease (and life) pins me to the mat.
An acquaintance once gushed, “You’re so strong—you never stop smiling.”
I laughed and, before I could filter it, said, “Oh Honey, you’re only seeing what I let you see.”
Since then I’ve been looking for ways to lower the curtain—carefully, but honestly and with vulnerability.
That curtain reminds me of the tiki-themed party my husband and I threw a decade ago. With RSVP’s piling up, we transformed our unfinished basement into a tropical escape—bamboo bar, string lights, the works.
Everything that didn’t fit the vibe—old mattresses, broken toys, boxes of kid art, a future-yard-sale’s worth of “treasures”—got shoved behind a jaunty palm-print drape. The night was hopping, music thumping, when a tipsy guest yanked the curtain down. In an instant the mirage vanished, exposing the chaos we’d tried to hide.
Lately I’ve realized I’m doing the same thing with my life story: sharing just the glossy bar front, not the clutter behind it. This blog is my attempt to ditch the drape, invite you into the mess, and—maybe—find a little freedom in the honest, unfiltered light.
The second jolt landed just a few days ago, mid-recording of Episode 7 of Mom, You’re Embarrassing Me. Co-hosting this show with my daughter, Jordan, has been equal parts exhilarating and terrifying—an audio high-wire act where we balance laughter, grief, and everything in between. Our elevator pitch is simple: share our unfiltered stories—my MS diagnosis, cancer battles, the loss of Jordan’s dad, messy relationships—so listeners feel less alone in their own hard seasons. During this episode we welcomed senior-pro pickleball legend John Sperling.
During our conversation he asked, almost offhandedly,
“So why did you two start the podcast?”
We recited our usual mission statement about safe spaces and solidarity. Then John paused, took a breath, and revealed that he’d just been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
His words punched the air out of the room. Autoimmune diseases are capricious, cruel; hearing that fresh diagnosis yanked me straight back to the day the neurologist said, “You have MS.” I remembered the shock, the fear of the unknown, the private inventory of everything I might lose.
And then another thought surfaced, an overwhelming sense of gratitude and humility.
John felt safe enough to unveil his brand-new reality because we’d first peeled back ours. Listeners do the same, slipping into our DMs with whispered thanks or private confessions. It’s humbling—and it raises the stakes.
If I’m asking others to be real, I have to keep lowering my own curtain, even when vulnerability feels like standing onstage without makeup or script.
So yes, I do care what people think. I do want to be liked. I do love the sunshine-and-tiki-bar version of my life—because 90 percent of the time that’s honest, too. But from now on I’m inviting you to see the boxes of kid art, the busted toys, the chaos behind the palm-print drape. That chaotic messiness is part of my story, part of what makes the good moments glow.
This journal is my promise: no more polishing away the rough edges. Just the whole, imperfect reel—clutter, courage, and the occasional flamingo straw—shared in real time. If it helps even one person feel seen, every shaky keystroke will be worth it.
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Your strength will strengthen others. Thank you.
Thank you for your bravery. We learn so much more from how those around us navigate their struggles than how they seized their victories. Super proud of you. Keep it up. - Jill Martin (Pickleball Yogi)
Michelle- a few things. First: I can't believe this is your FIRST attempt at a blog post. Its awesome. Second. Thank you for it. Its an amazing read, and an amazing service, and full of lessons. I'm presently sitting in an ICU room in Miami with my younger brother, trying to understand how its even possible to be here, just dealing with the meaning of family, of fragility, frailty, but also strength, courage, and persistence. All things your journey show. Thanks for what you do. Sometimes being uncomfortable is a sign that you're doing something you need to do. I cannot wait to play with you again sometime soon. Thank you, and amazing work by an amazing person.